Yo, found time to type here, so may as well rush this entry a bit.
I am Cozy, and I'm arriving at the last chapter of my polytechnic life. Right now I'm rushing a project, one that affects 20% of my final score, so I am actually squeezing as much time as I can right now to type this.
After my exams, which should be 5th March 2013, I will become a free, NEET graduate. I have plans to find a job to start working, and I also have plans to exercise and work out to burn some of this fat on my body to reach a physique that's acceptable for an author, a writer.
Sad to say, my brain isn't working very well right now. This last push is important, and I know that subconsciously, but I just can't get my act together to push forward with all my might. Perhaps... Perhaps the lack of a motivation or drive to propel me is the main reason.
I mean, it's not the first time something like this has happened. When I was Primary 6, I also wronged a lot of questions that I shouldn't have wronged, I lost loads of marks during my secondary 4 O-Level examinations that I shouldn't have lost, and it's sort of happening all over again.
... This Loneliness I carry on my shoulders and back has numbed my senses thoroughly, and whenever it reaches a rather critical, pivotal point in life, this always happens to me. I'm not sure why. Maybe Loneliness wants to hang about me slightly longer.
Maybe she likes me. I honestly don't mind the presence of Loneliness. Its cold, tingling grasp on my throat, back and heart grows stronger with every passing hour I spend alone. But, in that cold, dark and dire situation, I felt warmth. As slight as it had been, I felt the little warmth generated within me pushing me, keeping me going. Loneliness may take that warmth from me, but it comes back every time, and she will come to take it once more, over and over again. (It's almost like I'm a Farmville resource and she's the nerd, lol)
... Look at me, referring to Loneliness, a phenomena, as an entity formed into some sort of human or raccoon dog that steals yo stuff. I even made Loneliness into a girl persona, too - Just shows how lonely and sort-of desperate I am. Ha. Self-pity feels really weird, especially on my own blog. But it's fine.
It's fine.
Because I don't think I've held expectations for girls before.
... I never have, actually. Even the persona that Loneliness takes can change drastically in character and physique and behaviour. It could be a huge woman with big, soft and icy-cold breasts, hugging onto me, it could be a small, young pre-adolescent girl who does the same, it could be a tsundere, yandere, kuudere, futsuudere, yankuu, aggressive, passive, couth, foul-mouthed, chaste, lewd, angelic, demonic, she could be in whichever shape and personality I want her to be.
Lust over older women, lust over younger women, lust over women of great physique, lust over women with frail figures, desire for interaction (or not), good/bad morality, none of that matters anymore. I don't find any of that interesting any longer, not with how omnipotent Loneliness appears to be.
Girls are just like guys, humans; We think, we feel, we share our experiences, we take joy in interaction, and try to maintain that to avoid feeling lonely. But when you reach the epitome of an experience, and walk back alive, that's when you become a true master in that field. To master this Loneliness, I must first tame and subdue its persona. To be forceful and throw her off my back, and to be indifferent and uncaring when it begs for more. Figuratively, of course - If I visualize one of my younger cousins as her, and fling him/her off, someone might get injured bad.
... My battle with loneliness continues.
I don't even know how the entire conversation spiraled to this point. In any case, here's praying that I conquer Loneliness successfully, and be triumphant in my studies! One more month awaits!
Signing off,
Cozy
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